Portsman'd
by White Weasel
Summary: After Jacques an Buddy are scolded by Miles Edgeworth for slacking off, Portsman comes up with an ingenious plan... Slack off more by pranking the grumpy man. This starts a chain of pranks set by these two. Nobody in the Prosecutor's Office or Precinct is safe... A series of interconnected one-shots.
1. Miles Edgeworth

**AN: I know I should probably be working on my serious story, but honestly this would not leave me alone. Buddy is so cute :D And even if I don't like Jacques that much I love writing interactions between him and Buddy.**

**Now I have never actually watched that much of the show Punk'd XP All I know is that they prank celebrities and pop out saying "You've been Punk'd!". Basically this isn't that heavily based on that show. The title just seemed too perfect to pass up.**

**Anyways, this was my attempt at humor so hopefully it'll make you chuckle. XP **

Jacques crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it into the trash bin. It made it into the basket without so much as touching any of the sides. The prosecutor held his arms up in victory. Buddy looked over at his superior from his spot on the bench press which he was using as a seat.

"Two points for Jacques!" The athlete exclaimed.

"Are you sure you should be throwing those documents away, sir?" Buddy wrung his hands nervously.

"Relax, Jim. This is evidence I never used during my first ever trial."

"First trial…?"

"You weren't a detective then. I had another partner." He recalled how that detective had quit a month into being assigned to the sportsnut as a prosecutor. The second one lasted longer, a whole half year, before he had enough. Buddy had been assigned about five months ago, fresh out of training. "Don't worry; he wasn't nearly as good as you are."

"…That's very reassuring."

The two sat in silence for a few minutes with Portsman spinning in his chair and Buddy checking his phone for any important messages he may have received.

"I'm bored Jim. Do you want to shoot some hoops?"

"What about your work sir?" Inwardly he knew that his partner wasn't going to listen to any of his protests, but it didn't stop him from trying.

"Hey, I'm fine. I'm a prodigy, remember?" He grabbed the orange ball next to his desk and started dribbling it as he walked out of his office. Faith sighed and resignedly followed him out.

When they came out into the hall they were greeted by the sight of Miles Edgeworth in all his maroon glory. He was carrying a briefcase and seemed to be leaving his office.

"Hey, Prosecutor Edgeworth!" Jacques called out as he raised his hand in greeting.

Edgeworth turned, obviously surprised by the address. "Erm, yes, hello." He looked over to the ball bouncing in Portsman's hand. "What are you two doing?"

"Playing some B-ball." He got low and began dribbling the ball between his legs. "I'm gonna teach him how to dunk, even if he is a little short." He slung an arm around Buddy. "That's why we'll lower the hoop."

Edgeworth glared. "Stop fooling around or the hoop won't be the only thing being lowered." The detective gulped.

"Y-yes sir." Buddy mumbled as he turned his gaze to the ground. Miles rolled his eyes and made his way to the stairwell. As soon as he had closed the door to the stairs Jacques let go of Buddy and stopped dribbling the ball.

"Jim, I just got the best idea." Jacques smirked. "We should totally prank Prosecutor Edgeworth."

"What?! Mr. Portsman, you can't! I'm putting my foot down on this one."

"Come on, it won't be that bad. Besides," He elbowed the officer. "Wouldn't it feel _good_ to get back at him for yelling at you?" He raised his eyebrows and wiggled them a little.

"…Maybe a little bit…"

"Glad to have you on board! Here's what I was thinking. We switch the number plates on our doors so that his room says 1203 and my room says 1202, that way when he goes to open 'his' door he can't. Then he'll go to the security room and ask the guard to come up here with the master key. When he's down there we switch the plates back. When he shows the guard that his key doesn't work, it will! He'll be humiliated."

"That's a very elaborate plan, and it might actually work without either of us getting caught." Buddy gave a small smile. "But what if _you_ forget that you switched room numbers?"

"Hm, good point. Jim, remember to remind me that we switched the room numbers."

"But what if _I_ forget to remind you that we switched the plates?"

"Then I'll remind you to remind me!" Jacques quickly went into his office and got a sticky note. On it he wrote _Remember that we switched the number plates between Prosecutor Edgeworth's and my room._

He stuck it on Edgeworth's actual door. Then Portsman took the plate from his and the other prosecutor's rooms and switched them.

"Something doesn't seem right…" The sportsperson started.

"Your basketball hoop is too conspicuous. It gives away that this is your office. What if we move it near Edgeworth's to make him unconsciously think that it's your office?"

"You're a genius." The duo got behind the hoop and pushed it over near the other door. "Now we just lie in wait behind these bushes."

A half an hour passed before Edgeworth returned, muttering something under his breath about a bumbling detective. He walked up to Portsman's door and got out his key. He inserted it into the hole and attempted to turn it. He swore under his breath and said something about not having time for the foolishness. He stalked back down the stairs and that's when they emerged from hiding.

"Okay Jim, you switch the plates, I'll get the hoop. Go!" They got to work and did their respective jobs. However, Buddy forgot to take down the note on Edgeworth's door that was never actually needed. They hopped back behind the shrubs. Soon enough Edgeworth returned with the security guard Maggey Byrde.

"My key does not seem to be working. I can put it into the hole." He demonstrated the action. "Yet it cannot turn and therefore cannot disengage the lock." He turned his key, unlocking his door in the process. Both he and Maggey were somewhat surprised.

"Sir, what exactly seems to be the problem?" Maggey inquired.

"It seems there was some mistake Ms. Byrde, you may return to your post." The guard went over to the elevator and went back down to the first floor. Edgeworth closed the door and noticed the yellow note on it. "Remember that we switched the number plates between Prosecutor Edgeworth's and my room?" He read aloud. His eyes narrowed dangerously and he glanced over at Portsman's door. He went over and started pounding his fist against it, demanding the prosecutor come out and explain himself.

"Sir," Buddy whispered. "What do we do?"

"We have to remove the note from the door and then make a break for it." They looked at each other, both silently asking who would be the unlucky soul who had to remove the memo. "Rock paper scissors?"

Buddy nodded his head in affirmation. "One, two, three shoot!" The detective revealed his choice of paper and glanced over expectantly at his superior. He was crestfallen to see that he had chosen scissors. Jacques smirked and gave him a light push to indicate that he should go now.

Buddy carefully made his way over to the door without a sound. He slowly tore the note off the door. He crumpled it in his hand causing a crinkling noise. Edgeworth seemed to perk up and was about to turn to see what the noise was.

Seeing this, Buddy hastily whipped his head around. His signature flat cap flew off his head and landed on the ground. He looked between his hat and the bushes where Portsman was motioning for him to come back. In the end he chose his hat and crouched down to retrieve it. At that same moment Edgeworth turned around, catching him red handed.

"So you're the one behind this!" The prosecutor stalked towards him. Faith shot upright, hat in hand.

"I-it wasn't me." He said nervously as he put his cap back on.

"Oh really?" Miles glanced at Buddy's hand. "What are you holding?"

Crud.

He opened his hand slowly and held out the note. Edgeworth took it and smoothed it out. "I-I…" Buddy had no way to finish that without getting the man even angrier.

"You should relish this week's paycheck because next week it's going to be substantially worse."

"Y-you can't do that! You're not the prosecutor in charge of me."

"I beg to differ." Edgeworth raised his head and tapped his shoulder impatiently.

"Objection!" Jacques hopped out from behind the bush and extended his index finger. "No one cuts Jim's pay but me!" Edgeworth glared dangerously at them both. Portsman leaned in and whispered to Buddy. "On my count we make a run for the stairs. One, two, three!"

The duo made a mad dash for the stairwell and started sprinting down the steps. They made it to the lobby in record time and both were panting from the endeavor.

"Mr. Edgeworth *pant* sure is scary, huh?" Buddy was bent over with his hands on his knees.

"I'll say, Jim. I'd heard the rumors but never taken them seriously." He jerked a thumb in the direction of the door. "Want to head down to the precinct?"

"Yeah, it'd probably be best to let Mr. Edgeworth cool down." They then headed out the exit and started walking down the sidewalk. "Mr. Portsman?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you sir. I would probably be living off of ramen for the next few weeks if you hadn't stepped in."

"No need for thanks. We're partners and partners always look out for each other, no matter what. Right?"

Buddy smiled. "Right sir."

"How about a handshake to seal the deal?" Jacques held up a hand. Buddy didn't even hesitate as he took it. The both squeezed each other's hand affirming the promise they had just made. They would always look out for each other, no matter what.

**So this chapter they pranked Egeworth. Later they'll prank many people from both the Prosecutor's office and Precinct. If you would review that would be great. You can also recommend a person they should prank and even a prank they could do. I can't guarantee I'll use everything, but I would still love to see all of your ideas. Until next time :D**


	2. Franziska von Karma

**AN: Normally here is where I make lengthy excuses as to how sorry I am for not updating and why, but I'm sure nobody really wants to hear it so... XP Let's just say that school keeps me busy. Anyways, this chapter was a lot of fun to write. Heck, anything with Buddy is fun for me to write, even depressing stuff... I think I'm obsessed XD **

**Franziska was recommended for me to do. I mean, I was going to anyways, but probably later on in the story. I also got a request to do Gumshoe, but I think I'll wait for two or three chapters so that it makes logical sense for what I'm doing.****Anyways, I hope you enjoy this awkwardly (hopefully funny) chapter.**

"Fore!" Jacques yelled playfully as he hit a golf ball with his club. The ball rolled with quite a bit of force and hit a wooden door with the number 1212. Portsman called a nonchalant 'Sorry' after the collision, not truly caring.

All Buddy could do was sigh and take his turn. He had obviously been opposed to playing mini-golf inside the office, but in the end Jacques had somehow tricked him into participating. He was still unsure on how the other man had done it. Then again, he wasn't a prodigy prosecutor for nothing.

Buddy's ball was sitting on top of one of the plush couches in the hall and since they were 'playing it where it lied' he had to hit it from there. The detective lifted his club and set it on the soft surface. Not quite sure how to approach the situation he simply swung as hard as he could, thus sending the ball flying through the air.

His gaze followed the ball's path and his eyes lit up. It was going to land really close to the hole! And who knew? Maybe it would bounce in. He was finally going to beat Jacques! Buddy was celebrating his victory when…

A whip cracked and wrapped around the ball, throwing it to the ground.

"Hey, what's the big idea?" Portsman asked as he held up a clenched fist, making it obvious that he was angry.

"You foolishly foolish fools!" The whip wielder, a short woman with blue hair, used her weapon to hit the detective.

"Ow!" Buddy jumped back and held his hand over his left cheek, where he had been hit.

"What would possess you to foolishly partake in such tomfoolery?!" This time she whipped Jacques.

Portsman didn't seem too fazed by it though, just a small flinch. "C'mon Franz-" The whip cracked.

"Such fools as yourselves will address me as Ms. von Karma." She held the whip over her head menacingly. "Or taste my whip."

"Y-yes Ms. von Karma." Buddy offered with a salute.

_Wait a second… She's like, ten years younger than me!_

"Now please explain as to why you fools were bothering me while I was packing up my things." Buddy glanced over at an open office door… the one his boss had hit earlier.

"Well, you see my partner here was getting pretty restless just sitting in the office without anything to do, so I fixed the problem and decided that we should play mini-golf to blow off some steam!" The prosecutor flashed a thumbs up as if it would make his lie more believable. Not that the woman knew it was a lie in the first place.

Franziska sighed and gripped her arm in annoyance. "Do you honestly not remember the fact that there is a health center on the main floor that both prosecutors and detectives have access to? I myself use it every day after work."

"Really?" Buddy asked. He had never seen anything like that in the building. Then again, he didn't really explore all that much.

"Peh, rookies." Faith shrunk back a bit. "Just stay out of my way, okay?" The German marched back to her room and slammed the door shut.

"Wow, pushy." Jacques put on his white jacket. "What makes _her_ so special?"

"Well, she is the daughter of Manfred von Karma, one of the best prosecutors the city has ever seen." Buddy began picking up their golf balls and clubs, already knowing that their game was over.

"Yeah, but didn't he kill that defense attorney for some petty reason and then was humiliated in front of everyone when he was exposed. I heard he even-"

"Sir! That's insensitive." He said as he glanced nervously over his shoulder.

"…I guess that was a little too much, but still. What gives her the right to whip whoever she pleases?" Suddenly a huge grin broke out on the prodigy's face.

"I have a bad feeling about this…"

"Okay, so you know how we pranked Prosecutor Edgeworth?"

"Yes…"

"What if we prank Ms. von Karma?"

"And get whipped? No thanks." Buddy could already imagine the woman giving him thirty-nine lashes.

"But the prank would be that we take her whip, that way she can't hit us!" Jacques grinned, confident that his idea would work.

"Okay, let's say that we _wanted_ to take her whip. How would we do it? She's always holding it. We can't just wrestle it away from her."

"Jim, Jim, Jim, what are we going to do with you?" Portsman shook his head in disgrace. "Didn't she _just _say that she used the gym every night before heading home? Do you really think that she would carry a whip while working out?"

"… I guess not." Buddy glanced up in thought. "But wouldn't she store her whip in the bathroom slash changing area?"

"Yeah, so?"

The detective gulped. "For girls?"

Jacques wiggled his eyebrows, making the other man blush. "The lockers are right by the exit, so it's not like you'll have to walk through the whole area."

"_M-me_?! I'm not going in there! It was your idea; you do it!"

"Let's think about this logically. It would make more sense for you to do it. One, I would look ordinary lounging around in the gym area itself, unlike you who didn't even know it existed before a few moments ago. Two, you have experience sneaking around due to your training. Three, you look more like a girl."

"Hey!"

"Just stating the facts. After you decided to grow out your hair and lost a bit of weight, you could pass for a woman who decided to wear pants instead of a skirt."

"What are you talking about? I look like a guy!" Buddy exclaimed as he waved his arms around.

"Whatever. You're still a better fit for the job."

"No way, I am not sneaking into the woman's locker room like some… some pervert!"

"Fine, we'll settle this like we always do… Rock paper scissors."

"Sounds good to me." The officer balled up a fist.

_I won't lose. _Buddy thought. _I picked paper last time while Mr. Portsman chose scissors. In that case he probably expects me to pick rock to beat his scissors, but he'll see through this and pick paper. Then I should pick scissors. He'll realize this and pick rock, but what he doesn't know is that I'll actually pick paper like last time! It will be completely irrational and that'll be why it will work!_

He confidently showed his open hand and looked over at his superior with a smirk. It fell off his face when he saw two fingers in the shape of scissors.

"Guess I win." Jacques said good naturedly.

"B-but…"

"C'mon Jim, be a good sport."

"But what if I get caught? Then every woman in both the Prosecutor's Office and the Precinct will hate me." Buddy began to pace the length of the hall, pulling on his hat nervously.

"You won't get caught." Portsman waved his hand in a dismissive manner.

"… Fine…" He mumbled.

"Thanks Jim!" The prosecutor slung an arm over his partner's shoulder.

_Dear God, what did I just agree to?_

* * *

After a few more hours of work the duo made their way down to the gym. Jacques had changed into sweatpants and a pink tee shirt to give the impression that he was there for a workout. Buddy was still wearing his day clothes.

"Okay, let's go over the plan again. I'm going to start working out while you do whatever it is you do on your phone. After about five minutes you'll sneak into the woman's locker room and take Ms. von Karma's whip and replace it with this." Jacques pulled a rubber fish that was about a foot long.

Buddy groaned and took the fish from the athlete's hand. "What do I do with the whip once I take it?"

"Put it inside your jacket." Jacques took a peek inside the fitness center. He spotted Franziska wearing black running shorts along with a light blue shirt. "There she is. Let's get going."

Buddy gave a curt nod and followed him inside. As his boss went over to a treadmill and started running, he found a metal bench right next to the woman's changing room. He pulled out his smartphone and began playing a meaningless game to pass the time.

After around ten minutes he looked up and surveyed his surroundings. Nobody had gone in or out of the room in the time he had been there, so he figured it would be okay. He slowly got up and gave another quick look around and approached the door.

Faith slowly started pushing the door ajar. A bead of sweat made its way down the side of his face. Once the door was open just enough for him to fit, he slipped in.

_Okay, you can do this Buddy. Just find Ms. von Karma's locker and swap out the whip for the fish._ He looked at all of the lockers in front of him. _…You have got to be kidding me._

He started opening each locker as quietly as possible, looking for Franziska's. After fifteen tries he finally found the aggressive girl's locker.

_Good thing I found her locker so fast. Seeing a locker filled with pictures of Mr. Edgeworth in them was scary enough… especially the one where he was smiling… Hope I don't have nightmares about that one tonight…_Thankfully, the whip was sitting on top of her clothes so that he didn't have to rummage through them. He grabbed the object and placed the fish in its place.

Buddy then carefully made his way out of the room and back into the gym. He looked around to see if anything had seen him coming out of the changing room. He made eye contact with Jacques and saw his superior shoot him a thumbs up. He returned the gesture.

Buddy walked over to the treadmill as Portsman got off it.

"Did you get the _thing_?"

"Yes, sir." He opened his coat slightly to show off the whip. Jacques reached over and took it out.

"Ms. von Karma should be almost done with her workout." The prosecutor rubbed his hands together devilishly. "This is going to be so good."

Sure enough, as soon as he finished his statement Franziska turned off the stair climber machine. She took a sip from a clear water bottle and walked towards the changing room. After ten seconds of being in there she stormed back out, her knuckles turning white from gripping the novelty fish so hard.

"What is the meaning of this tomfoolery?!" She swung the fish as she would have her whip.

"Not so tough without that whip, huh." Jacques smirked as he held up the article in question.

"Foolish fool! I demand you return that to me at once."

"Hm, how about no? You'll just whip us if we give it to you right away."

"Us?!" She turned her attention to Buddy and then turned back to Jacques and glared. "How low are you Prosecutor Jacques Portsman, making a woman go and do your dirty work?"

At this the pink clad man burst out laughing. He held his stomach and was doubled over. The detective's face went red, but he was secretly glad that Franziska didn't find out that he as a _man_ had gone into the girl's bathroom.

"Hahahahaha, y-you think… hahahaha oh no… J-J-" Buddy clapped his hand over Potsman's mouth.

"I'm sorry Ms. von Karma," Buddy started, slightly changing his voice to make it sound more feminine. "Mr. Portsman is a handful at times."

"Hmph, don't be. A detective doesn't get to choose their prosecutor. You however do not seem to be _too_ foolish." She hit Buddy with the fish. "But you still stole my property. Return it and your superior will not feel my wrath."

"Mr. Portsman, please just give her back her whip."

"What? No way! She's just been Portsman'd I can't just give up so easily." He looked up thoughtfully. "Portsman'd… I like the sound of that."

"Fine. If you will not return my whip this fish will speak for me instead." She started to repeatedly wacked him with the fish.

"Ow, ow, ow." Jacques said each time he was hit. While trying to protect himself he let go of the whip. After getting lashed a few more times Franziska grabbed her whip and threw the fish down on the other prosecutor.

"That should teach you how to treat a woman, even if she is your subordinate." She turned her attention to Buddy. "Even though I am leaving in a few days' time for InterpolI expect you to stay out of trouble and keep that _fool_ of a prosecutor out of it too." With that she turned and walked out of the gym.

As soon as the door closed Jacques burst out laughing, even though he was in pain. "Sh-sh-she thought y-y-y-you were a g-girl! A-and you went along with it!"

"Shut up. I was being smart and saving my skin.

"It was _so _worth it though." Jacques grinned. Buddy looked around the room and saw that the few occupants were looking at them.

"Maybe we should get going."

"Yeah," Jacques raised his arms above his head and stretched them out. "I'm pretty beat. See you tomorrow?"

"Of course sir." Jacques smiled and walked out of the building leaving Buddy behind.

_That was… surprisingly fun. Maybe I should listen to Mr. Portsman more often…_

**I'm sorry, but you have to admit that if you look at Buddy's corpse (*sob sob*) when you first find it he looks a little girly.**

**Also, my head canon on why Buddy looks different in his photo ID and corpse is that he was larger, had shorter hair, and didn't shave the day he was instated as a detective and got his picture taken. Since he was assigned to Portsman as a detective he worked out a bit and slimmed down... I don't know why I felt the need to explain that to you but *shrug***


End file.
